bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
