Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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