put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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