3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
