Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
