Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
