I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
