I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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