I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
