WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
