So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
