Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
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I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
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We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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