I puked a lego.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she told me i tasted like america
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
