if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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