he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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