TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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