I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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