foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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