If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
