Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
