just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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