So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
