Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
