Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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