I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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