Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
