At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
