So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
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Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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