these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
