Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
