I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Randomize
