need another drink. this is the easiest way
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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