I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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