Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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