So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Still dying that you shit outside
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
