I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
