Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
