Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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