Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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