Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
