addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
