this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
