i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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