I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
