I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We had sex on a dog bed..
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
as a side note pls kill me
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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