You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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