how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
