oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
