I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
