Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
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I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
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Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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