if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
