her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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