Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
