I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
